the unproductive regretful dissatisfied frustrated bored me in this so called -----

Life had been difficult for me for the past weeks or maybe months??

Yesterday, while watching my officemates do some paper works and other administrative tasks, I felt so strange for not doing anything (Not the first time though). Well, I just kept myself busy browsing the internet googling some stuffs and chatting with my officemates the whole time --- with no feelings of guilt at all. Ei! It’s not that there’s nothing to do. In fact, there are a bunch of sh*** things that I have to do. Papers seem to be all over my workplace but no matter how much I condition myself to be in the work mode, I just don’t have the energy to work on the magnanimous tasks that I myself have to do for lack of many things - manpower, resources, directions, spirit, but a big chunk of it is lack of energy and passion. All these had made me become an unproductive mammal.

Every s i n g l e day seems to be a torture. All these make my world a compete mess and I’m having great difficulty thinking how will I be able to get out of this hellish situation. Being able to escape would require honesty and honesty would mean having a great amount of courage and being ready to face whatever the consequences would be.

After all, this is the friggin path I took more than 2 years ago. Looking back, there’s a feeling of regret. If only...

My friends have moved on and are happy and now I’m left alone in this hell. How I miss the days when we would just play charades during our free time in the dormitory, study my lessons, take a nap in the afternoon or just go and gallivant after the class. Yeah, I will never forget those times when all we have to worry about are oral recitations, passing the written exams and of course, endless paper works.

I relish the weekends, the holidays and every single day that I am away from my work. I hope I could finally be able to reach the end of the tunnel and just chase the clouds away, run in the fields and have just total fun, free from feelings of regrets, dissatisfaction, worries. The million dollar question is WHEN?